Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear,too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice,but for those who love, time is eternity.
Henry Van Dyke
Oh, really? That’s so funny that you should say that, because I have a big, fat, girly crush on him.
I blushed in response to her question, which was as close as I came to feeling embarrassment, and smiled shyly with my secret dancing behind my lips.
I was out with the girls getting pampered and spoiled with fresh manicures on one of our rare days off. It was tour rehearsals and I was having a lot of fun bonding with my fellow female dancers. It was only mere weeks before that I had actually won the televised dance competition I had been on and wrapped up one of the most memorable adventures I had ever been on. It was so strange that that chapter was now closed and I had to move on from what had become the focus of my entire life for what seemed like decades, but was really only one summer.
But I wasn’t really finished with it all; because now, the top seven contestants from this past season, excluding one dancer whose injury that took them out of the competition was still in the process of mending, and five of the favorite all stars were going to be hitting the road together to perform for fans throughout the country. Currently, my life consisted of dance rehearsals, dance rehearsals, dance rehearsals, a few brief moments of leisure and fun, and then more dance rehearsals.
I was so excited for these tour rehearsals. These people had become more than just fellow competitors or even more than just friends. They really were family to me. And we were about to set off on an unforgettable journey together. This was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I couldn’t even fully wrap my head around just how incredible this was going to be. And one of the most exciting parts of it all was that Kyle was included among the five all stars selected to join the seven contestants on tour. We were working with or near each other every day. And we were able to actually spend time with each other now outside of the work scene. Not that there was much of it; but, when there was down time, we all made the most of it.
Right now, we were having one of those small moments of relaxation and while the boys had decided to go off and do something boyish, we girls opted to spend the time getting to know each other a little better. Sounds funny since we’d practically seen each other on a daily basis an entire summer, but since contestants and all stars hadn’t been encouraged to spend “outside of the workplace” time together, there was a lot of catching up to do. Being newly single after a somewhat predictable breakup with my high school boyfriend towards the end of the show, the girls were all giddy with trying to get me to spill the beans on any current feelings I might be having for anyone. The rest of the girls were currently in relationships, some still in the “testing out the waters” period and others in the “we’ve known each other for so long I can take one look at your face and know what you’re thinking” stage. One of the girls, Carissa, who had just started seeing someone, was definitely in her honeymoon stages and had thoughts just bursting at the seams of romance and “happily ever afters”. She had just proceeded to tell me that she thought that Kyle and I would be “absolutely adorable together”. The other girls agreed and looked at me for a reaction with big fluttery lashes blinking over expectant, waiting eyes.
“Oh, really? Ha, ha,” I spit out in a choked voice. I looked at my nails quickly to avert any more eye contact.
Wow. Really? That’s all you’ve got to say?! What is wrong with you, sometimes? Can’t you see what’s happening!? Now’s your chance, Rose! You can tell them how you feel about him! You know how girls are in these situations. They can work magic. And the other all stars are all pretty close to him. They can totally hook you up! It’s now or never!
“I don’t think he’s in to me like that, and besides I just got out of my last relationship, so I’m not really looking for anything,” I said with an overly tight smile on my face. I was disappointed that I hadn’t told them the truth. I loved these girls and wanted to be able to confide in them, but I was too scared.
Well, what a surprise. You missed your chance. I mean sure, you don’t want to tell the other girls how you feel because it will be the most humiliating thing ever when they go to tell him how just so he can tell you he doesn’t have the same feelings for you; I get that. Plus, then it will be super awkward since you have to see each other and dance with each other for the next four months! I mean he’ll probably laugh it off, but everything will change. You won’t even be able to be friends anymore. Seriously, that would be the worst thing EVER. But still, that was probably your only chance. Have fun living with that.
“Ok, alright, but just for the sake of conversation, what do you like in a guy anyway? I mean, do you have a type?” Carissa inquired.
“No, no. I don’t have a type,” I responded. “Well, as far as looks go, I definitely don’t have a specific type. I think people are missing out if they only stick to one particular look, ya know? I just like funny. I like to laugh. Ha, ha, I’m always laughing though I suppose. But when a guy enjoys making me laugh, I don’t know, I guess I just like him for it. So, I guess if I had to say I had a type, it would be someone who isn’t afraid to be themselves no matter what and enjoys making people laugh. Someone charming, witty, and funny.”
There was a slight pause before anyone said anything. And then we all just bust in to laughter. I don’t know if it’s because we all secretly knew that Kyle, being a constant jokester fit that “type” to a T, or whether we were all just permanently delusional from constant rehearsals, but we couldn’t help it. We were all smiles and fits of giggles for the next couple of minutes for apparently no reason whatsoever as somehow only girls can do.
As a new topic of conversation drifted in to the group, I let my mind wander while the girls continued to chat away.
You want to tell someone how you feel. You know you do. You haven’t told anyone your true feelings yet. Getting rejected isn’t the worst thing in the world. It feels like it at the time, of course, but you’ll get over it and move on. So what you usually avoid situations like this at all costs, maybe it’s time for a change! Maybe the results will surprise you! Ha, ha, ha! Who are you kidding? He does not like you like that. You’re way too young for him. I bet he looks at you and thinks, “Aw, how cute, I bet she still uses training wheels.” Seriously. You’ve got to either let this one go or tell someone how you feel fully accepting that the answer is not going to be pretty.
Little did I know then, that Kyle had actually confided in two of the other all stars, Carissa and Ben, that he did have feelings for me and had wanted Carissa to test out my feelings towards him. Ironic, right? Sometimes present me wants to go back in time and give past me a swift, kick in the face for being such a coward. But it was probably for the best that I hadn’t told them that I had feelings for Kyle at that time, because then things might have turned out completely different. And I’m happy with the way things turned out. I’m more than happy. I’m in love. And I wouldn’t want to have risked missed out on the most romantic, sweet, funny, and for lack of a better word, most awesome man that would ever come in to my life in such a special way.
Ok, so you’re still not going to say anything then…Well fine, Rose. If you’re alright with the fact that you blew it there’s nothing more I can do. You still get to be friends with the guy, sure, but you know it’s going to eat at you not being able to tell him you want to be something more. And the more you hold it in, the more likely you are going to do something really spontaneous and stupid as usual. I just hope for your sake, that at the end of it all you don’t look like a complete and utter fool.